Meandering through the days of adolescence—accompanied by untreated heartbreaks, sleep deprivation, and endless cups of coffee at 2 in the morning—we, apparently, become adults.
Loud dinner tables filled with big plates of dishes turn into bowls of noodles on a bed. Folded laundry becomes piles of clothes in the corner of the room.
What is adulting? Living in Tokyo as a 17 year-old-girl currently weathering through an identity crisis, I find myself asking this question often. Pulled apart between the present and future, while drawn towards my peaceful childhood, I am lost.
As Erikson’s Stages of Physiological Development indicates, adolescents face identity and role confusion crises. They start questioning who they are as individuals, whether that could be their societal role, interests, or values. Their various layers of their identities are explored under societal pressures—resulting in a temporary emo phase with a purple side bang or a part-time job at a cafe down the street.
When unpacking identity, it is crucial to understand Erikson’s definition of identity: he quotes it as a “fundamental organizing principle which develops constantly throughout the lifespan.” Identity provides a concrete image of self, serving as a pillar in future dilemmas. And, having a definite sense of self is paramount to the well-being of humans.
One, it enables humans to pursue healthy relationships with people. Awareness of one’s value can help form boundaries when interacting with strangers. By assimilating our values, we understand what qualities we seek among peers.
Second, identity plays a huge role when tackling dilemmas. We face countless dilemmas from infancy: sleeping or eating, eating bread or rice in the morning, ordering food or cooking, devouring a tub of ice cream at midnight, or sleeping with a growling stomach. Surely, not all dilemmas are based on the instinct to eat; dilemmas are present in work situations, relationships, and daily routines. By identifying and prioritizing certain features of a career, a person’s quality, or a unique lifestyle, one can eliminate irrelevant options.
Third, possessing a concrete self-image allows one to connect with certain groups of people. Identity is grounded on cultural and societal factors, influenced unconsciously by the surrounding environment.
Although I was born in Japan, I was primarily raised abroad from year one to year ten. This altered my perception of myself since I could not fully identify as Japanese. I am still unsure whether I have a “hometown” or not; my mother tongue is Japanese, but I can express my emotions in depth with English. These scraps of unanswered questions have shaped my identity as a Japanese girl who somewhat feels like an outsider in Japan. This identity has allowed me to connect with returnees and third-culture kids, who also feel the strong absence of a definite home. However, some features of identity are preordained. For instance, regardless of whether I resonate with Japanese culture, I was born in Japan to Japanese parents, making me Japanese. Thus, several factors of our identity are innate. However, our identity alters over time, molding a unique persona as adults.
Therefore, self-discovery during adolescence is crucial as it is a compass in decision-making. As Erikson states, without this stage of mayhem, we fail to become adults. However, as a teenager weathering through this never-ending journey of self-discovery, I am a lost sheep. Whenever I feel I have grasped a whole image of my personality, the 16-personality test says the opposite. Whenever I feel as if I identify as Japanese, I remember people saying to my face, “I did not expect you to be so loud and opinionated.” Whenever I skim through a college website and look at the list of all the majors they provide, I realize that my interests are scattered. After all, am I curious, or am I just not passionate about anything?
Teenagers are pressured to look to the future constantly. Exams, college applications, and future careers are undoubtedly approaching. Adulthood is peering into our lives from the corner of the street. Unsure about who we are as individuals, it is impossible to define what we want to pursue in the future or even decide upon one major.
If self-identity were preordained, this crisis would be non-existent. We would live in contentment without worrying about who we are, like the children from Never Let Me Go. Life would be simple, living as designated clones to donate organs for the elderly. However, is that what it means to be a human? Is that adulting? Living as a clone-like human with no hope or freedom? Waking up every day knowing your destiny?
Identity, on the one hand, is constructed through confusion. But simultaneously, it provides a sense of hope. Assimilating who we are as individuals provides confidence and pride, casting a dim light on our path of life. Thus, as an adolescent, I believe the search for identity is endless and should continue till the moment of our death. Adulting is essentially a ceaseless journey of self-discovery.
To any of the readers who are confused about who you are, how you identify with surrounding peers, or differences in how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself, you are not alone. It is, after all, an everlasting journey, so you might as well drown yourself in it. Being able to decipher who you are as living animals on this planet is distinctively a human experiment. Surely, your neighbor’s dog does not contemplate its identity.
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